Ruby Newsday/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, guys. Lacey Burrows: Hey, Hank. Hank: Okay, ya dragged it outta me. I'm a little bummed out. Lacey: I was dragging? Hank: I lost my part-time job delivering papers. Brent Leroy: Oh? Why'd they give ya the boot? Hank: Ah, somethin' about lack of focus, reliability. It's kinda fuzzy. Lacey: I didn't know they delivered the Howler. Hank: No, it was one of those big city ones, The Globe and Post or The Post and Beam, National Stick. I can't remember. Brent: I want you to know, if you're short on cash, Lacey's here for ya. Lacey: I'm glad to help. Hank, coffee's on Brent. Hank: Thanks, guys. But it's not about the money. It's the fact that they tossed me over for some eager 12 year old. Lacey: Hank's short on cash and the paperboy industry is being taken over by 12 year olds. Brent: What's next, dogs chasing cats, ham on rye? Hank: I wonder who they got. That paper route's gonna fall apart. Denizen: Uh, hey, uh, I, I don't get the paper. Oscar Leroy: Well, ya got one now, jackass. Emma Leroy: You're delivering papers? Wow, Oscar, I'm feeling something for you I've never felt before. Oscar: Pride? Emma: Pity. Oscar: All my life I've wanted to be a paperboy. But my parents discouraged me. Young Oscar: Can I be a paperboy? Oscar's Mom: Anything's possible. Oscar: They were hard as hell. Emma: Since when have you wanted to be a paperboy? Oscar: Well, it's no skin off your nose. It'll be me out there every morning, sharing the gift of the news with my readers. Emma: You're gonna be out of the house all morning, every morning? Oscar: Damn straight. Emma: Chase your dreams, Oscar. Lacey: Hank was right. My paper was late this morning. Brent: Well, you can thank my Dad. He's your eager 12 year old. Lacey: Really? Hah! That is so sweet. Sweet and a little bit sad, mostly sad. Brent: Yeah. We're all very proud. Lacey: I've always wanted to start a paper, one of those coffee papers, you know, the little two-sided doohickeys with the tidbits and trivia. Brent: Well, you should do it, become a doohickey mogul. Lacey: Hey, would you do one of your cartoons, one of your little doodles? Brent: Doodle for a doohickey. Lacey: Maybe you'd become a famous cartoonist. Brent: Famous? Vicki Gabereau: Well, I'm with the world famous cartoonist, Brent Leroy. Tell me, Brent, is this the best your imagination can come up with, being on the Vicki Gabereau show? Brent: What? I love your show. Gabereau: But this isn't even my set. Brent: Oh, well, this is just all in my head. Gabereau: Uh-huh. Well, your imagination sucks. I'm gettin' a coffee. Brent: Fine, I'm in. But no media appearances. Lacey: OK, now I have to come up with a catchy name. Brent: Oh, I'm good at this. Let me think. Um, it's news, we're in The Ruby. Ruby Newsday. Geez, I am good at this. Lacey: Oh, I'm not sure. Brent: No, you don't get it. Ruby Newsday, like the song. Lacey: I get it. Oh, don't think I don't get it. Brent: Look, who is more in touch with the citizens of Dog River? Me, the lifelong resident, or you, the interloper. Lacey: Interloper? Brent: Trust me, Ruby Newsday is your winner. Wanda Dollard: Ruby Newsday? What kinda lame pun is that? Brent: Ah, well, you know Lacey. Anyway, what do ya think of my first cartoon? Wanda: That's pretty funny. Brent: It's not too toothless? Wanda: It's not without its tooth, toothful even. Are you gonna show it to Karen and Davis first? Brent: Why would I show them first? It's got nothing to do with them. Lacey: Ah, it's good, huh? Hank: Oh, it's great. Brent's cartoon is hilarious. Yeah, I hope Karen and Davis can take it. Lacey: Oh, no. I meant the trivia section. I did the trivia section. Hank: Oh. Lacey: What do ya think of the trivia section? Hank: There's a air of triviality to it. Lacey: Makes ya think, though. I mean, I mean Brent's cartoon is funny, but who knew that Saskatchewan was bigger than the entire country of Sweden? Lorne Calvert: So what do you think of that, Sweden? Hank: Sure, yeah. I mean, whoa-ooh-ho, yeah. Lacey: Fine. You don't like the trivia, other people do. Some people like the trivia better than the cartoon. Hank: You wanna put it to the test? Hank: Two tip jars, Brent's cartoon, Lacey's trivia, vote with a coin. Lacey: And you think this will work? Hank: How do you think we elect the mayor? Lend me a quarter. Karen Pelly: Isn't that somethin'. Davis Quinton: Not really. It's pretty obvious that Saskatchewan is bigger than Sweden. Lorne Calvert: And we're a rectangle, nature's most perfect shape. Karen: Not the trivia. Look at the cartoon. Davis: "Let's skip these. They're the day olds." Oh, he got you good. Karen: Got me? Davis: The day olds? I think he's referring to your inexperience on the force. You're a day old. Karen: Interesting. I thought day old was in reference to you getting old and maybe we should skip you for someone younger. He also drew funny cartoon legs on you. Davis: I don't have funny legs. Karen: It's right there, in black and pink. Lacey: I guess they really like Brent's cartoon. Hank: Ah, there's 50 cents in the trivia jar. Lacey: Yeah. I put that in there to get people started. Hank: Maybe if you made the trivia more humorous and drew a picture to go with it. Lacey: There must be like, 15, 20 dollars in there. Hank: And remove the trivia and just had the humorous picture, they'd probably like it then. Lacey: So all I have to do is ask people their opinion on something and they'll tip a lot. Hank: Oh, and maybe have Brent draw the humorous trivia picture, without the trivia. Lacey: Huh? Emma: You done already? Oscar: Can't stand still in the newspaper business. Emma: What are all these? Oscar: Newspapers. They sent me too many. Waste of the environment. Emma (phone): Hello? Oh hi, Ruth. You didn't get your paper this morning? What a mystery. Wanda: Nice haul. Wish I got tips. Lacey: I work in the service industry. Wanda: I work at a service station, a station of service. Lacey: But you don't serve food. Wanda: I serve food. Lacey: Two Whippy-Sticks, a box of Dingle Pies, a roll of Gummy Floss. Wanda: You're saying Gummy Floss isn't food? Lacey: I mean food that's cooked. Wanda: So I'm discriminated against based on heat. Lacey: Well, if you want tips, a good first step might be to spend working hours at work. Wanda: Ah, it's a detail. I'm a big picture person. Emma (phone): You didn't get the paper either, huh? All right, I'll tell him. What?! Wanda: And here's your change. Oops. Your money almost fell in a jar. Have a super day. Hi. Okay. Whoops. Did you find everything you needed? Corner Gas Customer #1: Yeah. Wanda: Oh, good. Do you have any questions, uh, about our, uh, fine products? Corner Gas Customer #1: No, I'm good. Wanda: Super. Great. Have a super day. Boo. Can I help you find anything? Al Goar (Corner Gas Customer #2): Just browsing. I'm fine. Wanda: And were you happy with the service here today? Al Goar: Sure, whatever. Wanda: Good, super. Have a super day. Oh, let me help you with the door. Oscar: Hey, I was watchin' that. Emma: The phone's been ringing off the hook from people who didn't get their papers. Oscar: Well don't look at me. I don't know how they got our number. Emma: You have to make this right. Mrs. Garvey found her paper in a tree. Oscar: It's her own fault for puttin' a tree in the yard. A newspaper trap. The town's full of them. Lorne Calvert: Who threw that?! Emma: Go finish the job. Oscar: But I wanna watch TV. Emma: No more TV until you finish your paper route. Oscar: No fair. Emma: Okay, this is skin off my nose now. Wanda: Voila! Served to you via the service of a service professional. Bag 'O' Chips Customer: Thanks. Wanda: Super! And if you enjoyed your Corner Gas experience, please feel free to... Brent: If you wanna get tips, try bein' less spooky. Wanda: Maybe I'll try being less worky. Karen: Explain this. Brent: It's a coffee shop newspaper. Officer, uh, you, you read it as you would a newspaper while you're having coffee in a shop. Karen: And do you find this funny? Davis: I'm not old. And I'll tell you what's not funny. My legs. Karen: Let's go. Davis: My legs aren't funny and you're not funny either! Wanda: "Why would I show them first?" Lacey: Thanks. And we have a new survey today. A mighty oak or a gracefully willow? Oh, come on. It's worth a quarter to find out, isn't it? Hank: I know it looks easy to write these tipping jar things, but a lot of thought goes into it. Now, I could help ya out if you want. Lacey: Maybe everyone's into maple. Wanda: Oh, hey, Oscar, I didn't get my newspaper this morning. Oscar: What the hell is this? Brent: Okay, look, Ruby Newsday. It's a simple pun. I'm sorry if people don't... Oscar: It's not that. This cartoon. I'm a paperboy now. Wait till my employer finds out that my own son is workin' for a rival paper. Brent: I wouldn't call it a paper. It's barely a doohickey. Oscar: You're takin' food outta my mouth. I need to feed my family. Wanda: He is your family. Oscar: You're takin' the food outta your own mouth. Brent: It's a free newsletter. Oscar: Exactly. People are gonna stop readin' my newspaper because this one's free. Wanda: It's also not stuck in the eavestrough. Oscar: This is war. I'm gonna canvas for new subscriptions and wipe you out! Brent: Yeah, that's the best plan. Man: But I already subscribe to the paper. Well, except these days I never get it. Oscar: Then sign up again, double your chances. Lacey: What's wrong with trees? Hank: Dogs pee on 'em, they get sap on your clothes, you gotta rake up their leaves, they don't make any sound when they fall in the forest. No one trusts them. Lacey: Did you fall out of one, maybe at an early age? Hank: Let's not make this personal. Trees suck, is all. You need somethin' simple, so people won't have to think too much. Lacey: Betty or Veronica? I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Hank: What can I say? I do a good jar. Oscar: So you wanna get the paper or what? Karen: I heard the delivery was terrible. Oscar: Oh, that's the old guy. Karen: There was an older guy delivering the paper? Oscar: Fine, be part of the problem. But there's a rival paper in town that wants to crush us. Karen: Lacey's newsletter? Oscar: Even Brent's workin' for them now, my own son. Do you know how long I've been workin' for this newspaper? Karen: A week? Oscar: Almost. Then he turns around and does this. How ya doin', Legs? Davis: Legs? Wanda: Just adding a little something to augment my tips. I said tips. Brent: Oh. I mean, yeah, I know. Wanda: I'm sure glad I thought of this. Brent: Yeah, just like Lacey thought of it. Wanda: Oh, save your biting wit for your hurtful cartoons. I mean the basic concept's the same, but her questions are, frankly, a little pedestrian. Mine are more stimulating. Brent: Free will versus determinism. Yeah, that's got party written all over it. Wanda: Don't underestimate people's intelligence. Davis: Free Will. Love that movie. When the whale got away, I cried. Lacey: Twenty dollars for Betty and 22.50 for Veronica. Pretty good, huh? Wanda: If you don't mind pandering to the masses. Hank: Well, it's all in the question, which when you think about it, means I really should get a piece of this. Lacey: Why should I pay you? These tips are for my service. Brian: Can I get a coffee? Lacey: In a sec. Wanda: Come on, Betty or Veronica? Anyone can think of that. Lacey: This is what I'm saying. Wanda: You don't need Hank. Hank: Yeah? Well, I don't need this. I quit. Lacey: You're quitting a job you never had. Hank: It's finally sinkin' in, isn't it? No more questions from me. Lacey: Thank you for stickin' up for me. Wanda: I got your back, sister. Hey, uh, you wanna come write tip jar questions for me? Hank: Maybe. But I want a fifth of all profits. Wanda: I'll do ya one better, ten percent. Hank: Ten percent. Hey, that's like double what I asked for. Thanks, Wanda. That's really nice. Wanda: Yeah, well, I am in the service industry. Huh? Lacey: Hey. I need another cartoon. I'm gettin' requests from all over. Brent: Yeah, I don't think Karen and Davis liked it too much. Lacey: Yeah, well, can ya blame them? I almost didn't run it. Brent: How is a cartoon about day-old babies making fun of the police? Lacey: What's usually day old? Brent: Babies? Oh, donuts. Lacey: And what do stereotypical police eat? Brent: Donuts. But... Lacey: You are so out of touch with the pulse of the community. And I, for once, am in touch with it. I, the interloper, could clearly see that that cartoon was making fun of Karen and Davis and you couldn't. Ah-ha! Oh, this is great. All hail the interloper. Whoo! Brent: Interloper. That word is so last week. If you were really in touch with the pulse, you'd know that. Emma: A hundred and one. This says you have a fever. You're staying put. Oscar: But the paper route, my childhood dream. Emma: Your dream, my nightmare. I'll deliver the papers. Oscar: Watch out for trees. Ah-choo! Brent: You're, you're mad at this one too? How is this cartoon making fun of you? Two explorers lost at the South Pole, "Well, which way did you think is north?" Karen: Shall I start? Davis: Be my guest. Karen: They're both wearing the same clothing, deducing that they're wearing uniforms, much like we wear every day. Brent: That's not deducing. That would be implying. Karen: So you admit it? Brent: And I suppose them looking at a map signifies that you both lack direction and your careers are headin' south? Davis: I hadn't looked at it that way. Karen: We thought you meant we were cold people, but that works too. Davis: We're still mad at this. Karen: And why do you have it in for Lacey? Lacey: If you thought my polls were a stupid waste of time, why didn't you say so? Brent: What? Lacey: Polls, South Pole? Roasting me in my own newsletter. Brent, real nice. Brent: Well, then, why did you run it? Lacey: Because I didn't get it, until Legs, here, explained it to me. Davis: Hey. Man: Good morning. She's worse than the old guy. Lacey: I can't believe Brent roasted me, and after I gave him his big break. Wanda: That two-faced weasel. Hank: Hey, Wanda, I got your new tip jar question. Lacey: You stole my question guy? Wanda: You two were Splitsville. Lacey: Oh. Wanda: Look, I'm just using him. It doesn't mean anything. Hank: This question's gold. "Who's the better vampire slayer?" huh, "TV Buffy or Movie Buffy?" huh? Lacey: First Brent makes fun of me in my own paper and then you poach Hank. You gas station people. Wanda: Ah, service station people. Emma: The paper just called. You're fired. Oscar: Good. I never liked that job. Emma: I thought it was your childhood dream. Oscar: That wasn't my childhood dream. Young Oscar: I want a Red Bolt wagon. Oscar's Mom: Well, you could get a job, deliver papers. It's a lot of work. Young Oscar: I don't like work. Without doing work, can I be a paperboy? Oscar's Mom: Anything's possible. Oscar: I never wanted to be a paperboy. I wanted that red wagon. But now I'm an adult, I can just go buy the wagon. I can't believe I made myself miserable with this paperboy thing. Emma: Oh. I think I caught something while I was out doing your route. Oscar: Well, don't give it to me. Hank: Hey, that's the same question I gave Wanda. Lacey: Hmm. Actually, her question is, "Who is the better vampire slayer?" My question asks, "Who's better at battling them before they're slain?" Brent: Ah, much, much more different. Hank: That's not fair. Lacey: She steals you, I steal questions. Hank: Yeah, but she paid me for my services. I'm in the service industry. Brent: Oh, hey, guys. In the interests of keeping the peace, I've drawn a new cartoon that I think will make everybody happy. Davis: "Dog River's finest"? Lacey: "Lacey's Food for Thought." That's sweet. It's not really funny, but it's sweet. Brent: There's no pleasing you people. Karen: Humour isn't about making people happy, Brent. Davis: Yeah. It's about finding people's weaknesses and attacking them, rubbing salt into an open wound, relentlessly crushing their self worth until there's nothing left. Brent: Anyhoo, no more cartoons for me. Hank: Hey, do you need someone to deliver these? Brent: Hey Dad, good news. I'm out of the newspaper business. Oscar: How does that get me a red wagon? Brent: One sentence into the conversation ya lost me. That's a new record. Oscar: When I was a kid it was worth 12 bucks. Now it's a collector's item. It's worth 6,000 bucks. I still can't afford it. Brent: Again, nothing. Lacey: See, the people of Dog River have spoken. I am neither mean nor shameful. A lotta tips there. Wanda: The people have spoken. But don't feel too bad. Gummy Floss? Category:Transcripts